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Chapter Ten
(The Clock is Just an Illusion)
I sat down in remembrance of the mistakes I have made, learned from, and grown from. I have always known that someday, somehow, a day would come when things would fall into place, but I am not sure when that day would be. I am a writer, so I write about everything and anything that comes to mind, at any time or place.
Words have failed. In fact, I can hardly tell how I feel or should feel at this moment. We all make choices, and the people we choose to be with and those we decide to spend our time with matter the most. It either makes us or breaks us.
I see the fireplace as I give Lydia formula at 2 months old. My left hand feeds her, and my right is busy typing. She curiously stares at the computer screen while sipping her milk. The fireplace flame is keeping the room warm, but I am still cold.
Honestly, my heart is broken, but I am not disappointed. However, I foresee the pain quickly disappearing without a trace, but I’m sure it will leave an indelible mark on my heart. Who am I to say that I know for sure what love feels like, but I can only sacrifice enough to show up for it.
Outside the window, I could see the leaves falling, and it was raining. Oh, how I love rain. It’s autumn, and the leaves have changed color, but the Christmas tree is still green. It was the first time I ever noticed the tree survived every season. I must say, the tree looks beautiful.
At least I can still smile after the heartbreak. Yes, I can still smile. My tea is getting warm, but to whom do I have the pleasure of drinking? I’d have to settle for an empty chair with my jacket hanging on it for company.
In my mind, I have constructed a conversation with my Jacket.
It goes like this.
“Hi, Jacket,” I cogitate, “is there a place called happiness? Or is it an illusion?”
“Jacket” answers, “Happiness is something you cannot see, but what you feel. It comes, and it goes whenever it feels like. It is not stable. Actually, nothing is stable”.
Of course, I would totally disagree with Jacket. But then, perhaps Jacket was right to some extent. I mean, think about it. The Jacket gets tossed whenever it wants. Sometimes it is essential, and sometimes it is not. It is the same with the human cycle; people see your worth today, and the next day is another story.
The grass is green, the weather is overcast—my favorite. It has been raining for the past five hours. I have taken a break, wondering what my next ink on paper would look like.
While the clock keeps ticking, I ask myself, “When would the time come when success, I mean victory, knocks at my doorstep?”
Without a second thought, I cogitate that it takes time, but it wouldn’t take enough time for me to make that dream come true eventually. Time has brought me pain, happiness, fear, grace, and mercy, and it has taken half of my youthful days, but war has found grace.
Then, I quietly mutter to myself, when I have my first babies—hopefully, twins- I will lift them up towards the sky while it is raining and speak into their lives. “Your existence means life.” You are here to give the world meaning and make a difference.”
I will bless them with nature and groom them into young millionaires. Just because it rains does not mean every tree is strong. Some need more rain, while others need less. Just because someone says they love does not mean they really mean it.
